Go Back Where You Came From

     I’m contrary. Some would say that I’m downright bratty. So when my ex broke up with me on Christmas Eve by telling me to ‘go back to your dirty country or Brooklyn - I don’t care which - and leave Manhattan to people who want to have fun,’ my first thought was, ‘NO, you fucking racist!’  I didn’t say it out loud.  I’d spent the last five years trying to convince him (me?) that he had a normal amount of bias and ignorance; that it’s easy to grow out of bias by being present and respectful. So I couldn’t call him a racist in that moment without feeling like an even bigger idiot for white-washing his prejudices.
  
     Like every gas lighter, he encouraged me to cut off my friends and family one by one. I didn’t have any confidence left and I was downright depressed after going through a series of unfortunate events.  I didn’t want to be a powerful lawyer anymore. I didn’t want to be in Manhattan anymore. But I refused to leave my business, church, and community after he told me to! I’m a brat even at rock bottom.

     So I told myself I was just going on a walk-about; some kind of Eat Pray Love thing to find my purpose and confidence, and maybe even my old waistline.  Fortunately, my loved ones welcomed me with open arms after years of hardly hearing from me. They opened up their homes to me and were, in hindsight, ridiculously patient with me while I behaved like a depressed space cadet.

    I couldn’t stay away from the City because my only source of income was there.  So I commuted by airplane several times a month to earn money and spent the rest of my time daydreaming, praying, and sleeping too much.  I also started a lot of weird projects. A partial list follows:

1. I bought cheap land thinking I could build a tiny house/bitcoin coffeeshop near a transportation hub.  It’s now tied up in red-tape because the local government wants it for something weirder. 
2. This blog started as advertising for my immigration law practice. But immigration law is too heartbreaking for a person battling depression so I gave it up. I hadn’t touched this blog in years until I decided to use it for random social commentary. 
3. I started taking classes to become a civil engineer.  Then realized my vision for urban planning only ever goes over well with hippies and engineers , not city officials.  So I gave up on that. 
4. I decided I wanted to be a farmer and took up gardening.  I made a mess of a couple gardens 🙄. 
5. I decided I wanted to spend my time reading sci-fi and real science while doing some kind of natural work. How awesome would it be to have your lawn mowed by goats and a shepherd?! Like Charlene, I spent hours looking at baby goats. Hit me up if you’re interested!        

Ava Ryan’s image found at https://www.theodysseyonline.com/35-ava-ryan-liners

     

     These weirdo projects helped me re-imagine myself but I frequently had to pretend to be my old self while on walk-about. When I had to pretend to be normal, I just slipped into my old persona - a spoiled, bratty, protector. I could do it for a couple hours at a time.  So I was able to put on an act to make money the few days a month I flew home.  I refused to take new cases in my practice.  The cases I still had were easy for me after a decade of thinking about one legal issue.  I was loosing my damn mind but I knew how to win cases.  That did a lot to bring back my confidence. 

   

   My loved ones have promised my ex a beat-down if he ever crosses paths with them. But he did say one thing that served me well, ‘go back where you came from.’ He said it to kick me down another notch, but going back where I came from felt so damn good.  Spending time with my family and friends was the best thing I could have done for my health.  I used to be a capitalist with a savior complex.  Now, my goals are more reasonable: help people with the skills I have, one day at a time.  Thanks asshole. Bigger thanks to my loves🤗💕.

     I’m back from walk-about, doing the same kind of legal work I’ve always done. I haven’t been to my home church in years though. Guess I’m still on spiritual walk-about.